NIFE’S BLOG

There are times when we do things based on our feelings or emotions. And later on, when we look back at those moments, we regret those decisions of ours. Same thing goes for me during my last relationship. I did a lot of things that looking back now, I wished I did differently.

So guys, on my ted talk this week, I’ll be sharing with you the best lessons I learnt from my worst breakup, which was my last relationship. I said the ‘best’ lessons because they have not only helped reshaped my relationship life, but also other major aspects of my life. Like my personal relationship with myself, my self esteem, my attitude towards my career and my relationship with my friends.

Not wanting to sound like a relationship counselor (simply because I’m not one & I’m just developing myself), here are some of the lessons I learnt.

Don’t go out of your way to please your partner or make them happy

I’m not saying you shouldn’t go the extra mile for them 🤷‍♀️ all I’m saying is don’t do anything to hurt yourself just because you want to make them happy or make them stay (so you won’t have to say the usual “after all the things I did for you.. blah blah blah when something happens in the end). Anyone that truly loves you would appreciate the little things you do so far it’s with a genuine heart.

Don’t change yourself for your partner (especially if it’s something that makes you happy).

Some people make this mistake of “my partner doesn’t like me doing this thing so I will stop it”. You can stop if it’s a negative thing but so far it isn’t then you shouldn’t . Imagine your partner telling you not to use your singing talent or do music just because they don’t want you to. A good partner would support you regardless of what they think about whatever that thing is.

Don’t rely too much on your partner (financially or otherwise even if they have the power).

Depending too much on your partner makes you lose respect in a relationship. Try to make your demands less & don’t feel too entitled. I saw a screenshot of a chat between a couple and the guy was telling the girl that the main reason she can’t leave the relationship is because she’s too dependent on him & she couldn’t argue. Even if you’re in a relationship for the gain, don’t make it obvious.

Don’t feel bad if you ask & they say no and also try to make the spending balanced, even if it means you sending 5k to their account when they least expect it either they need it or not, buy gifts that you can afford, pay for little stuffs like movie tickets or drinks, recharge their phones & so on. Doing little things like this go a long way in making your partner feel like you really value them (they might not say it tho but lowkey they’re happy you did it for them).

Don’t abandon your friends because of your partner (unless you’re married 💍).

One big mistake one can make in a relationship is abandoning one’s friend(s) because of a relationship. It is a big red flag. A good partner shouldn’t make you choose between them & your friends or make you leave your friends. I did it & I regretted it. Your relationship with that person might not last but your true friends will always be there. Don’t do the ‘just me & my partner thingy’. Try to make time for your friends too. Don’t let your relationship ruin your communication with your friends.

Don’t makes excuses for a toxic or abusive partner (don’t think you’re gon make him/her change by staying & enduring).

My ex was a control freak & has trust issues & fortunately he showed it quite early. I talked to him about it on several occasions but he didn’t change. Then I’d make excuses for him anytime he does one of his stupid behavior, I’d be like he’s just being protective & trying to avoid what happened with his ex. I decided to prove to him that I wasn’t like his ex & instead of telling him to work on himself so we can solve the problem, I started working on me that wasn’t the problem. Well it got to the point that I couldn’t take it no more & I snapped & that led to many other issues.

Although, it’s one thing for you to want someone to change, it is another thing for them to want to change. I even see some people stay in abusive relationships with the hope that their partner are gon change one day. But, even if they’ll change, it’s obvious it’s not you that will make that change. So stop trying & stop making yourself suffer.

Make the visitation balanced

As funny as this may sound it is very important. Sis it shouldn’t be you going over every time. Let your partner also come over. Doing this will not only limit ‘see finish’ for you, it’s also a sign that they value you. It doesn’t matter if you’re still staying with your family, you guys can find a place around your area to chill. Don’t accept any excuse of your house is too far, there won’t be privacy, the roads are bad 😹, yen yen yen (pardon me). If they truly cherish you, they should be able to cross the ocean for you. This doesn’t strengthen your bond, it equally shows your partner’s commitment to the relationship.

Work on yourself.

There will always be that person better & more good looking than you in your partner’s contacts. So work on yourself to be better for your partner everyday. Don’t stop doing those things you’ve been doing before y’all started dating. Be consistent.

Learn to be happy all by yourself. Don’t get too addicted or dependent on your partner, so a breakup won’t break you. Give them breathing space & privacy once in a while. You should understand there are times they would want to be alone too, so don’t be too suffocative.

Have a social life outside your relationship (Quit the “just me & my partner” vibes.

Let the respect & love be mutual and balanced.( Don’t say I’ll love for the both of us)

I’m gon make this very short as it is very straightforward. You shouldn’t even be in a relationship where the feelings aren’t mutual. Don’t assume your partner will learn to love you, they will only probably learn to use you.

Don’t see yourself as a wife or husband yet (Avoid the roles)

In as much as you want to show commitment in your relationship, don’t make the mistake of playing a husband or wifey roles yet. The reason being that it’d cause ‘see finish’ and probably make them see you as being too desperate. There are several other ways for you to show your commitment to your partner. Don’t make yourself a slave in the name of showing commitment.

Some girls go to their boyfriends house every weekend to do the house wife chores of cooking, washing & cleaning and after a breakup they be like “after all I’ve done for you”. He didn’t ask you to do them, you chose to & even if he did you could have said ‘no’. Learn to attract respect to yourself. Doing all of these things doesn’t spell marriage, so don’t get your hopes too high.

Know when to walk away or give up in order to avoid loosing your self respect & worth

This is one of the things I really wished I did differently. Let me gist you guys. So when the whole trouble started & the attitude started coming; he stopped calling and texting like he used to, started forming busy and when I asked what the problem was, all I got was nothing. But because I was scared of losing him, I kept pushing. I’d call several times a day and likewise send him long texts which he replies with ‘K’. I kept on suffocating him with these stuffs but it didn’t help things a bit.

I asked, begged, did all sort of things just to make things work but it only got worse. Well, las las i fucked myself up (what Yoruba would call “Mo te”). I ended up hurting myself more than he hurt me & my self esteem got bruised beyond repairs (I repaired it later sha 😅).

Anyways, my point is that, It’s okay to want to fight for love or make things work out but you should know when you’ve tried & when you should stop. You should know when to stop chasing & give him/her a break to make a choice. You should know when to stop begging & just go with the flow, so you don’t become too desperate in the process.

Recently, I watched one of Skuki’s videos on IG & I wished I’d seen that video much earlier. He said, “Don’t treat their fvck up, nope, treat your own fvck up. You can’t force someone to behave the way you like by working on them but you can align them to the way you want them to treat you by working on yourself. Shebi it’s you that’s calling 50 times a day & leaving long epistles on their phone. so, it’s you who’s fvcking up” (He shattered my table here 😫).

“Also, change your mindset from being a victim & take charge. Work on the only person you’ve got control over & that’s you. Though it’s a hard thing to do but when you create that energy around yourself, you won’t take anymore bullshit because you have realized how you want to treat yourself.” I know what you thinking & yeah I wanted to kill Skuki for making this video late but anyways we move.

People only know your worth when you make them feel your absence. Maybe you don’t even need to break up at that moment, maybe you just need to give them a break for them to decide if they really want it or not. Whatever you plan to do, always have it at the back of your mind that people change & so do feelings. It’s okay to fight for love but don’t get scarred in the process.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I’d like to know your thoughts on this. So kindly drop a comment & don’t forget to like, share & follow. Let’s keep loving 🥰 xoxo!

“Ageing is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength.” – Betty Friedan

As a kid all I wanted was to be a grown up so I could do all the things adults do, (whatever that means to you but don’t let your imaginations run too wild 😂) and for someone like me who needed the freedom and independence that comes with being an adult I couldn’t wait to turn 18. Well turning 18 I realized life isn’t the bed of roses I thought it was and being an adult requires so much.

I wasn’t scared of growing up at first but getting to that age, all I want now is to go back to being a child. I think being in one’s 20’s comes with some kind of realization & fears especially in this generation. I realized how fast years keep adding to the 20 & how much time is spent already.

I started getting worried because I was not able to do any of the things I wanted to do at some certain age and at that point I regretted how much I wanted to grow up and even felt guilty.

Speaking to my friend (Tiwa) one day we got talking about how this whole pandemic shii might affect things and slow down some aspect of our lives. And I realized I’m not the only one with this fear of becoming older & not achieving anything yet. She said she wished she doesn’t have to add this year to her age.

That conversation made me realize we probably have to live life the way it comes & enjoy every moment of it instead of worrying about getting old. It’s not like we can pause our age ( tho I wish that’s possible 😂) so we move!

Aging shouldn’t make you feel scared, I mean we will all get old whether we like it or not, so why get all worked up over something you can’t change?

I’ve seen and heard of people who change their real age to a lower one just so they could look younger and those who change from a lower age to a higher one just so they could appear more mature and those who won’t even say what their age is because they believe it will influence people’s opinion of them and yet we say “age is just a number” .

In reality though, it’s obvious that age is more than just a number because it influences us as individuals and serves as a determinant to many societal factors such as: education, relationships, goals acquisition and so on.

We see many who wants to graduate in their early 20’s; get married, have kids and a successful career before they’re in their late 30’s; and thus feel like a failure when they cannot achieve it all on time; but the truth is you’re not too old or too young to achieve your dreams.

Do not let society’s standards on when you should start and finish school, get a job, marry, have kids and so on, give you sleepless night or make you look twice your age (we’re still gonna get there in a couple of years anyways).

Also, don’t forget it’s your life and your age, if God wanted you to be a year older or younger, he would have made it so. So work towards the betterment of your older days which is incoming so you won’t have to dread the inevitable!

Mind you I’m still not a preacher nor a motivational speaker 😁

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities” – J.K Rowling”

Growing up I’ve often wondered what our world would be like if there were no crimes or evils. I’ve always imagined if a crime free world could really exist. One thing I’ve always tried to do but can’t keep my head around is understanding why there is so much evil in the world. Why do people hurt each other?

In the Bible I saw that God said he made everything perfect including humans I guess, so what are the causes of evils in the world? I bet you’re thinking the devil & his agents are behind all these yeah? Well I’m not a preacher of anything so I would refrain from dragging religion into this.

However coming from the human perspective, I have come to understand that there are 3 categories of crises that happen in our society but one particularly bothers me.

The 1st category, I won’t say God made but I’ll call them what we popular say Act-of-God such as Deaths from natural occurrences, hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, flooding, and so on.

The 2nd category, I will say are Mechanical / Technological Crises i.e cyber-wars, hacking or our popular Yahoo- Yahoo, car accidents, plane crashes, fire outbreaks, collapsed buildings and many more. These are caused due to the negligence & careless attitudes of men. These forms of crises are understandable as being part of human existence & so we have little or no control over them.

The 3rd and final category is human or man-made. This is the one that bothers me the most.

I will love to discuss them because they seems to be rampant in our society today. They are intentional bad acts of humans which can be easily avoided and should even not exist as humans have control over them. They are deliberate atrocities committed by humans. They include senseless killings due to rapes, police brutality, racism/tribalism, social injustice, rituals and so on. These acts are societal vices and should be curbed.

I know we might think these things has been happening right from time, and yes, they might never be a definite end to them but I don’t think they were at alarming rates as they are these days. I mean I wake up hearing different stories about young people whose dreams has been cut short because of the wicked act of fellow humans. You can imagine how gory it sounds for a father to rape his seven months old child. Like that’s simply insane! A police man whose job is to protect the citizens is firing shots just to prove he’s got a gun. These atrocities committed by humans to their fellow humans can be easily avoided.

A man’s attitude is a reflection of the way he thinks. Maybe we need to start thinking before we act. Maybe we need to start putting others first and think of how our behavior and attitude might affect the other person. You as a man should think before deciding to force yourself on that helpless girl; you as a policeman should think before firing that gun; you as a parent should think before telling your ward not to marry or associate with a certain person just because he or she is from a tribe you don’t like.

Truth is If you choose to keep quiet and not talk, who knows, the next victim may be your sister, cousin, brother, friend or neighbor. Like I told a friend, perhaps if we keep talking about it they might rethink their ways and change. The evil people in our midst may think twice before doing something that would hurt another.

And to those who think they have no right to talk just because they have made mistakes in the past, I’d like to say this: Doing something wrong in the past doesn’t mean you can’t advocate against it now. I mean we have all been clueless and naive about a thing one time or the other in our lives so standing against something you might have done in the past doesn’t make you an hypocrite. Instead know that you grew and since growth is one of the best things that can happen to man; embrace it and let’s all speak up together. Let’s all make our world a better place, if not for anything, for the sake of the coming generation. I wouldn’t want my kids growing up in this kind of society and I’m sure you that’s reading this wouldn’t want that too. So guys my ted talk for today is urging us all to play a role and make our voices heard✌️

Mind you I’m still not a preacher of anything nor a motivational speaker 😁 See you in my next post😆 Xoxo!